Seriously..

Am seriously disappointed, angry, upset, EMOTIONAL! You are getting more selfish then ever! You keep repeating the same thing over and over again. What is wrong with you dear? Really what is wrong?! I had enough. I care so much and this is what i get after caring so much for you? Everytime i just walk off away and you did NOTHING. What is this dear? So what if i really never come back when you think i will? Think about it dear..Please! I had enough of you this and that.. I give you space, i giving you this and that but feels like you taking advantage..Please dear, stop doing this to me. Is not easy for me to handle everything okay? Need you, need your help, need you to guide me too. Stop being so selfish and think about others. Please!

By your dearest kai.

Thank you dear.

Well, i felt that things can be way better then just now. Am sorry for my part. Just hurt to feel like i get cheated that is why am unhappy about. I don't know you understand me or not? and i think i really dont understand you well.. Am still working on it. Am giving you lots of space this days, if you notice. Am really unhappy with your friends. Dear, you can't tell all our stuff to your friends okay? I really don't like. So what if you are close to them? If you tell Jiselle about what happening to us, i really dont mind but not your close classmates. I am not comfortable about it. I never tell anyone about our problem to others, i will just tell them i argue etc..Well, maybe i do tell few details what happened but not all.. Some of them do ask me to break up with you which is, I DON'T WANT! cause if i do, am sure they want me to be together with them( either one of them). They are like devils trying to change my mind but they don't know how much i really love you and want you.

There's time i wanted to tell you that i wanna break up, but i think again. It will be just a waste.. Few of my friends really happy that we are so long together as a gay.. I know relationship can't always be happily ever after but i do still listen to you when you start nagging, scold me etc.. Cause i know you care and want things to change. I am trying to do something with myself which i can't cause you always start doing things that i dont like and make me fall and struggle to get up. If you know that, i have been closing one eye for all your mistake and i trying not to let it out cause i know things will turned out bad.

I shall go to bed soon..Is late and i know you have issue me sleeping late.All i want to say is, Thank you dear for all this while.. I want to be there when you cry and i want you to be here too when i cry. I love you dear.

Your dearest Kai.

Two is "better" than one?

I think two is making things worse than one. I don't want to give up this relationship that we build for 6months. At least now you experience long relationship, which am happy that you can handle the stress etc.. But things kinda gone bad to worse. Things have been so tortuous again and again. We talk things out, i guess we didn't solve it and just move on..

You know the day that i didn't really text you much, am happy about it cause things goes smoothly and yesterday things just go out of hand..Maybe is me. Well, of course is me. Always me. Hah. I giving up being nice to you. I do LOTS of things and this is how you treat me.

You always said, i am thinking etc.. But thinking about what?! You never even tell me what you are thinking or after you done thinking. Is like, you just doff things quietly and make me like the useless one. I care about things, how about you? I don't know..You always want sometimes to be alone this days. Which am really upset about it. But its okay. Everyone need it. But i just don't know who you are becoming. I don't know you anymore dear. I wish i can find you again and you bring me smile.

This is what i think..There is more which i don't want to type. Am sure you understand how i feel too. I miss you dear. Don't know who you are now. Wish you could just come back and light me up.

It happened, again.

Don't you find it unfair? Is like, all the places i bring you which you never even go before. Well, just forget it. Am upset, insecure, hopeless and more words to be say.. Am making tortuous tread in your life.

Part of Taylor Swift -Love Story lyrics, "This love is difficult, but it's real".

Still love you.

in lacuna times and times..

Here, now.

Here i am. I am sorry for what happened of late and i am sorry for the way i behave. But it gets to me whenever you give up and the way you do things sometimes. You say i can't do this and that but then you do things that i am unhappy about. I don't know about our future, how it will happen, what is going to happen etc. I need you to work hard, i am trying my best too and i hope you can. I want to help you in everyway i can, to be there for you. But sometimes i just feel like i should not, i should let you be independent.

I love you still, i really do. Not messaging you makes me feel uneasy. Please lets work to prevent that from happening again.
I love you dear.

Hugs and kisses
Ben

What else i can say?

I have nothing much else to say anymore. Seems like you don't even know how much i need you, talk to you etc... Well, it's okay. Since you want be that way, okay. I understand because i always the one who understand you and its okay you don't understand me. I know i am difficult.

Take care. Love you.

just leave me alone..don't have to care much like you used to.
to tell you the truth, i have no one to turn to. I have no one to listen to all my stuff.
but its okay.

Happy 6th.

Our 6th Anniversary is okay. Watched you sleep/rest make me want to hug you like a baby. =')

- - -

I totally hate today dear. Is like, what really the fuck? You, me..Us behaving like this is not acceptable. What going happened in the future? Us not talking equal to something is fading away. You want to know why i don't text you/sit beside you? Because i always make the first move and i wanting you to make the first just now but you didn't. I really nothing else to say.. Feels like you giving up on me dear. I don't want anyone to get in my way. I just want you dear. YOU! Sigh..Sometimes i find so pointless saying lots of things. I will end till here.

Am worried, scared, losing you. I don't want to live my own life, want you to be part of mine. Don't wish to be alone in this big world. I still need you dear..

New year

New year, new challenges. Nobody listens nowadays and things get harder. More complications, more issues, more emotions and more worries.

try to smile my tears away, i try to keep my cool.

What to do. sometimes i don't know what to do. Don't know if what i am doing is right or wrong. Am scared, unsure and alone....

Have not much to say anymore..

I really got no much to say anymore. Don't know i should look forward for our another plan for next year or not. Am not that excited cause what happening this month is really..Speechless. Wish you know how to make things right and make me feel alright when you make last minute changes.

want us to be happy again. Please dear..

thinking about us

sometimes i really don't know how to describe our relationship, for example today. Guess it is and will always be my part and fault when it comes to bad time management. Add a pinch of misunderstanding, a drip of mis-communication, a dash of frustration and you have a perfect concoction to end any and every relationship. the rules that we set aside that we thought would make everything better always never fail to backfire and we get our hands burnt. I went pubbing today, in my opinion i thought it was one of the best nights, just escaping and not having to think about anything. And as always, one thing leads to another and it always somehow or rather leads to an argument. I see myself trying to accomplish as much as i can in as little time as i have, to maximise my efficiency at the cost of our relationship. And you of course, being ever caring and thoughtful want to spend every min, sec and moment with me. I am not saying or complaining about anything. I am blest with what i have but sometimes i cant help but feel that it has become so routine. Other than our relationship, i don't see myself in any part of other relationships. Family, yes, a little i guess. School friends? What the heck, everyone is too busy. Maybe Karen was right, we are starting to take each other for granted and our passion is fading. Maybe it was a wrong idea to suggest change in the first place because it will always be the cause of our unhappiness. Like my problem. Oh well, looks like i can't be the perfect boyfriend that you wish to have. You can give all your time to me but i may not be able to reciprocate it back to you. Maybe i am selfish, maybe i am insecure so i want to accomplish and establish myself. I don't know. What do you think? Maybe i should be that spoilt brat. Won't that be great? Nothing to worry about. Just spending money like a f**king idiot without the least concern of the sweat and blood that went into the earning of that little dollar......

5th Anniversary.

Last 3 days is our 5th anniversary. Well, things didn't go right but it's okay. You're working for your internship and i always try to be there for you (you too when i'm working). Glad that i didn't have band practice, like last minute and rush down to meet you. =)

Dear dear, thank you for trying to be here/there/everywhere with me. As the day goes by, i really noticed i need you more and more and for-e-var~ lol.. To be truthful to you, i seriously enjoyed myself being with you more then the past (you should know). Really big thank you dear and i know what i have/need to change. Try to throw all my bad habits.

and dear, am looking forward on our 6th and 2 events gonna happen that month. You should know what. =) But am alright if we didn't do it, as long you are there with me. I am happy. =)

Thank you and I love you by your dearest Kai.
Hugs and Mooack!

I've been..

My dear is so busy with working this whole month. Hopefully he won't get ill like me. Dear, thank you for everything. I've been loving you every single day. Loving you now and always. Thank you for taking care of me when i'm sick. Actually i like you be naggy, but sometimes kinda scary. haha. I really want to grow up with you. Well, i know is not that easy cause we still staying with our parents and we are still young to get a real job that we going stick to one, $$$ and of course our dream house and stay in together. =) Hopefully all this will come true one day. I hope is true. =)

I miss you dear, take care and love you always by your dearest Kai. Love my moomoo!

Happy 4th!

We have been together for 4th month from now. We go through ups and downs and we tried our best to solve it and change from there. I enjoyed myself whenever you with me. I love you around me always. Just want to say, I really really love you and i never lie and never do anything funny behind your back because i only want you.

Happy 4th dear. Love you. Take care by your dearest kai.

4th month, 4th month.

4 months have passed, 4 months filled with laughter and happiness, sadness ans tears. It has been a small part of our long journey, a journey of a lifetime. Happy 4th month dear, i love you. We have been changing, changing for the better, you going to school on time and me trying to be early. It isn't easy but we are trying, i am trying my best too. I love you dear and i want you to be with me forever. Mooack!

from your dearest dear dear.

3rd Month Anniversary

Enjoyed my time with my dear. So sorry that i made you cry.. I didn't mean it and hopefully you, me will understand each other more in the future. Don't wish to get another argument from each other. Want everything to go smoothly. =)

Dear dear, i did cry a little and after that i was crying inside my heart. Hopefully you will change into better person. I will wait for you dear, i don't care how long it takes. Will try not to give up(as you know, i wanted to). Prove to me that i am wrong. I want to love you forever till the end. I know is not easy, we shall walk and not run anymore. Take things one at the time. I just notice that, we really forget about.. Talk things out.
We must really slow things down now. =)

I love you dear, enjoyed our time at the botanic garden. Watch the stars, lying down on each other and not forgetting hug and kisses.

Happy 3rd Month dear, hold your hand tight.
Love you by your dearest Kai.

My dear look like girl! lol.

My hard working boy~

I find this really cute dear! =P

My skinny boyfriend~ =S

Our 3rd

Am the first to blog after so long. So much has happened. Both good and bad, tears and laughter.

Dear, i am sorry for what happened. I know i should not have shoot at you but you know how i dont like to be accused when the person accusing me does not know the situation. Am sorry that i keep breaking my promises and did not live up to your expectations. It is difficult at times, espeically when i just want to do nothing when i meet you yet we have to worry. I will try my best to change. And i hope you too will work hard. It was quite saddening when you said you did not feel like crying after what happened yesterday. It made me feel like our relationship was not that important to you. Whatever it is, i will never give up on you or leave you. I love you dear. I hope that things will go smoothly and i will try my best to be understanding and not to blast out and vent my anger on you.

Lastly, Happy 3rd Month dear. I love you
from you dearest ben.

Sorry and thank you.

Dear, am really sorry about 26 September, Saturday. Truly sorry. I really didn't mean it what i say to you. I am tired and say the things without thinking. I guess i am selfish and stupid.
and I want to thank you for not giving up on me. I really really need you by my side. I don't know and i don't want to know what if really happen without you around me. Am really sorry.

You surprised me after my work and thank goodness i didn't walk another way and lucky i turned a look behind. Dear! I really love you so much. I don't want you to leave me. Never love someone like this before. =')

Yesterday, 27 September, Sunday. Our 2nd time having sex! Oh my..Enjoyed myself with my dear. We seriously need to get a place that can shower and sleep. I love you dear. I shall go to sleep and join you now.=)

Two is better than One by your dearest Kai, meowmeow.

My dear unglam face. =X I still love you dear.=)

Thoughts

I feel like i am beginning not to know you anymore. You are changing and i guess i am also. Everything that happened just now....sigh. Guess we need to sit down to thrash things out one day. Thinking about it, it really hurts and pains me that you thought that way about me, all of those false accusations.
You know, you have tonnes of things that i am unhappy about but i never once said anything. Yet when you are unhappy with just a tiny bit of me you attack me. Whenever you joke around and make insensivite jokes, you making out with your aj boss etc, you think i don't mind and laugh it off but i do and it hurts because you yourself can make jokes about all of these but if i did the same will you be happy? If i said oh, i will go fuck my aj teacher, will you be happy? When you said that your teacher who might be aj is interested and nice to you, you think it did not affect me? I was afraid but i did not say anything because you said everything was fine. When your straight classmate squeezed your butt you think i was not worried that he might be into you? But you said he is straight etc so i did not dare say more. Everytime you say such stuff or make insensitive jokes or take about your past, all i do is just cry to myself. I don't even say anything let alone accuse you but you did when mine was just a dream. I thought that you were sensitive enough to know that whatever you say affects me but i guess you might not really be. You say that i don't care about you, then why do i get worried for? You can happily say anything you want but when i say something you get pissed and angry and upset. Tell me, who is the selfish one really?? I know after reading these you will keep like crap but i am sorry, i have to let out all my thoughts somehow if not i will explode. Please be more sensitve next time. I know that you like to joke around but there are tonnes of things to joke around and not just these. And please, watch what you say next time because it gets me really upset sometimes. I don't know if i should ignore all of these or just cry to myself thinking about it. You tell me. Should i be concern and thus upset and then i cry or should i just don't give a damn.

Your dear.

Wish i can help you..

Dear, sometimes i wish i really can help you do some of your work.=( But i know i can't, if i can and i don't know i know how. Am hoping you will be alright, don't want you to be so emotional over your work.
Guess what dear, I am trying to do as fast as I can to finish the ITE band design and i really want you to use our lappy because I feel that, you need it more then me for now. Will try to finish everything and let you use. Okay dear?

I want to help you dear. by your dearest Kai, meowmeow.

Your post.

You got me squeezing my eyes reading your post but is alright because is really truth what you write there. Yes, i do get sad and angry and so on because of you. You know me, i will try not to be/get unhappy, angry or whatever unless something really bad happened. Will always be happy and try to think positive always. Sometimes i cry partly because of you and because of me. Am scared about my future and yes, am scared about us too and sometime when you are asleep, I will cry and I didn't tell you that.Sorry. Because am really afraid about the future, and i think you should know why. I don't have a great family like others and my mum told me dad will be stop working after 3 years time?. That is why am really stress about myself and keep thinking about it and you should know my brother are useless, and I want to be there to suppose my family and of course you too. Is really hard for me and i know i always pretend nothing happened and always happy because i don't want you to think too much. You have your problems too and I don't wish to throw my problem, stuff whatever to you.

and I want you to know that i always love you no matter how you trouble me, how long i always wait for you, this and that. It's okay alright? but I want you to learn from all this as you say you want to change to better. Okay dear? Don't wish you to be how you are now, things have to change as you know am changing too. See, i didn't talk about my exs already and trying to stop what is coming out from my mouth that will make you upset, pissed at time.

I shall stop here cause my mind stop working and as you asked me to take panadol and go to sleep.=)
I love you dear and i can't wait to let you listen to the songs from boys like girls. Only like few of their song. Will see you later.! (if you are free and want to meet) and and sorry for everything if i hurt you but i know things won't turn out to be happy ending always. We will get through this together.

by your dearest boyfriend.